Since I was a mature teen (we’re talking 18 years old here), I have always really enjoyed performing oral sex. I would happily go down on my boyfriends of my late adolescence and early twenties. I approached it with curiosity, enthusiasm to please and it turned me on. Even with sporadic hook-ups, giving head was something that I would willingly do. I enjoyed it from start to finish, loved receiving feedback and felt pretty satisfied once the job was done.
It wasn’t until I starting seeing men more casually in my late twenties did I gain further insight on the discourse around women giving head. I learned, through conversations with both men and women (in fact, some friends), that a lot of women don’t enjoy it, “hate” it in fact. I also learned that many women choose not to do it. And, some even have rules around when they will and will not perform oral sex. There was a Sex and The City episode that I recently re-watched when Carrie asks Samantha alarmingly “So, casual head is in now??” which really surprised me. It meant that up until the late 90’s, women were only performing oral sex in committed relationships. (This is according to the world of Sex and the City, which obviously has to be taken with a grain of salt.) Here I was though giving head “for free,” and according to a girlfriend of mine, setting the bar for other women.
I was reflecting upon my more recent sexual escapades the other day and realized that over the past couple years my penchant for giving oral had kind of changed. I have actually become much more selective around when and with whom I’ll engage in oral sex with. With my last one night stand, I didn’t even entertain that region, even though he asked if I enjoyed “69-ing” and our sex (intercourse) was rough, exciting and dynamic. With this other guy I went home with after a party in early January, I went down on him and noticed that in our follow-up encounters (of which there were only two) it suddenly became an expectation which really turned me off. Due to his arrogance and selfishness, I actually refused performing oral when he requested it thereon. And then more recently, this guy that I’ve been on four dates with happily went down on me, and I still didn’t return the favour. Totally different than my younger self! Even though this last guy is kind and all about reciprocity and pleasing me.
I’m wondering what’s different though. For one, when I think about oral sex, the responsible me thinks STI’s. Why are we so cautious about condoms when it comes to intercourse, but never talk about all that can be transmitted from mouth to genital contact. Another part of me is frankly, a little less patient than my young twenties self (and it can take a while for a guy to finish). And, another part of me really wants the guy to work for it. I’m much more interested these days, in men who are interested in pleasing me, and those who value foreplay as much as cumming during sex. Finally, could another part of me also want to engage in oral sex in a more committed, longer-term relationship?? I mean, it really is a nice thing to do for somebody and to be honest I’m not sure if men that I don’t know very well yet, or don’t plan on getting got know well (casual flings) deserve it. I think that regardless of how much I enjoy oral, at times in my late twenties I must have done it when I wasn’t totally comfortable with the guy or really liked him.
So now, at thirty, I guess for me the guy has to be pretty awesome, work hard for it and I have to actually like him if he’s going to receive any head. I guess that Sex and the City statement wasn’t so ridiculous after all and my rules around this have aligned with a lot of women out there. Not a bad rule, by any means.