On Sleepovers.

What’s the general rule of thumb around sleepovers?

On my last date, my date and I had sex. I live alone. The date was at my apartment. We finished at around 12:30pm. I had work the next day. My date was a student, and therefore less concerned with being alert during the hours of 9 to 5.

My anxiety around him sleeping over was bubbling up as soon as I realized what time it was. So, I approached the subject by gently saying “Okay, it’s time for bed for me. I have to get up early tomorrow for work,” to which he asked “Oh okay, do you mind if I crash here?” to which I wanted to respond “Yes I do!” but couldn’t.  So I feebly said “Yeah, no problem.”

I then went to the bathroom and gave myself a talk in front of the mirror. Stating my needs is kind of a challenge for me. As I’m getting older I’m learning to be much more direct and assertive. This was a perfect opportunity for me to be authentic in my voice and actions.

So, I threw open the bathroom door and walked up to my date and said “Hey, I would really like to spend the night with you, but I don’t sleep well next to people and am feeling a little anxious about it. I’m sorry.” He was definitely kind of thrown off and kind of disappointed; his face fell. But he was understanding at the same time. I felt bad for kicking him out, but what else could I do? It’s my house, and not only do I have issues sleeping (I take melatonin for Pete’s sake!), I usually hardly get any sleep when I’m next to another body. I even said “If this wasn’t a week night, I’d be totally open to it.”

2 years ago I had a pretty casual relationship with someone for about 4 months and he and I never had sleepovers. I cared for him quite a bit, and I loved that understanding of ours. At this point in my life I’m not sure what approach I should be taking towards sleepovers.

I mean, I’m moody and really into my own space, so being around people too long is a challenge for me. I hate it when the guy sleeps over and just wants to keep on hanging out into the day. I also don’t love morning sex, and am starting to learn that that’s something most people expect in a sleepover. And usually I tell them I’m not into it. I’d rather get up, shower and get on with my day, which may include quiet time with my laptop and a coffee. In fact, often I’d rather that they just weren’t there the next day, but who can kick someone out at 3 or 4am you know?

But my question in general is: Is that selfish of me? And, if I’m at a stage in my life where I’m open to love and potential commitment, shouldn’t I be challenging myself by starting with the symbolic action of opening my space (home, bed, etc.) up to others?

I’ll have to think about this one.


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