On not acting out of fear.

If you read my first blog post ever, On Companionship, you’ll note that this year I’m truly open to the possibility of love. At the same time, I don’t expect it to happen anytime soon and have decided that along the way I need companionship, which includes dates, new friendships and sex.

Part of being open, for me, involves a dedicated effort to not being afraid: of rejection; of vulnerability, etc. However, I recognize that fear is natural and it persists, and what I can do in my daily life is practice not acting out of fear. I can recognize my fear, be compassionate towards it, but not let it limit me, or debilitate me from being true to myself.

So, there is this guy who lives in my neighbourhood. I see him often walking to work. He is cute. I actually met him years ago at a party, but don’t know his name.

He also happens to be on Ok Cupid. He appears as one of my quiver matches a few months ago and I read his profile. I’m instantly interested. Not only is he cute but he has similar interests, political beliefs and works in a similar field to me. Hot. From his profile, I get there is kindness and an underlying raw energy that I’m attracted too.

But, the insecure me thinks:

He’s pretty cute and has a darling profile.  Maybe he’s too cute for me. I’m sure all the artsy, do-gooder types on Ok Cupid are flocking to him. Bet he gets lots of messages. Look, he “replies selectively”…We know what that means. And, I’m sure he’s seen my profile on Ok Cupid and recognizes me from the neighbourhood. I’ve got a pretty unique look; I’m not hard to miss. If he was interested, he would have messaged me by now. He’s not interested. It would be embarrassing to message him, not get a response and continue to run into him in the neighbourhood. Blah blah blah.

This self-defeating self-talk routine goes on in my head every time I see his profile online. And trust me, it’s been a few times. Not only did he show up in my quiver matches, but he shows up in my general matches and then the other night he appears in my “local” matches (matches in proximity to you).

So the other night I reminded myself that I wasn’t supposed to be acting out of fear in the world of love, relationships and men. So, I messaged him. And it felt so empowering to do just that. It always feels so good to challenge yourself and do things you would normally be scared of doing.  The experience is so different if you don’t give into the “what ifs” and aren’t scared of the outcome. I came away from my message feeling really proud of myself and honestly had no expectations of receiving a response. Instead, felt kind of empowered and more confident to continue approaching guys who I might consider “out of my league.”

But wait, the story doesn’t stop there! He messaged me back! He confirmed that he sees me often, said that he had wanted to say hi when he sees me in the neighbourhood, and suggested we go out for drinks sometime. Fun, right? Let’s see how it goes.

I’m so elated with this sequence of events, that I’m going to do one thing everyday this week that I would normally be scared of, and see if I can continue to ride this high. You should try it too.



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