On allowing myself to grieve.

Today I sat in a space with two grief and trauma facilitators for two hours and cried.

Someone I know recently passed. And the context is work related.

And tonight, for whatever reason it just so happened that it ended up being just me and these incredibly supportive wonderful two people for two whole hours, even though the intention was to create the session for everyone else.

For two weeks I have been holding space, supporting others and carrying a huge amount of weight. I have been worried sick about everyone that has been deeply affected by this. And a friend of mine said she was worried about me as she thought I didn’t get a chance to process my own emotions.

I did tonight though. And I felt validated in the work that I do. He looked at me and said “It’s so clear that you love your work.” And I felt grateful for their support. And they gently kept reminding me that I was talking about how everyone else was feeling, and how I wanted to do more for everyone else. And that I shouldn’t internalize any of this. And that I needed to bring it back to myself and the support that I needed. And I felt supported.

It’s funny how it felt selfish to allow myself to be okay with the fact that I was grieving too, and that I experienced trauma. I had a hard time being okay with the fact that the facilitators were more than happy to be there for me

For me and only me. For me by myself. For me, alone. For me. Me.

Grateful.

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