I want to document the mood I’m in right now. Because I haven’t experienced it for a while. And because I’m aware that it might be fleeting, and I might forget that I was ever in it.
I feel good.
I just came from a dinner with two of my closest friends. I was really happy to see them after about a month. I also let something go today at work, learning from someone that it’s not worth fighting or being angry. I also gave my team a pep talk that I hope keeps them balanced in a time of uncertainty. That all felt good.
In my current mood, I feel the undercurrent of possibility and excitement that I used to feel in less darker times. The glimmer of hope.
I asked my sister over the break if she thought I was depressed. Because I felt like shutting down. Because I was having thoughts about death. Not that I wanted to die, but that death was certain. If that was so, where and why should I find meaning in life itself.
She said she didn’t think I was. She said that I was dealing with the experiences of burnout that I recognized last month- that she saw me as being disillusioned with the change-making, social justice oriented process and developing a new belief that love doesn’t exist. Which I can work though, via therapy.
In the same sentence, she also said that she was excited for me; that she saw the possibilities for me in my life and felt confident that those life affirming feelings would return. I am hoping that she is right. And if my current mood is any indication, I think the excitement for life is there. Perhaps it’s just lying dormant, weighted down by years of unspoken things, and things un-dealt with.