It’s been just under two months and we’ve had such an intense and bumpy beginning. I’ve spent the weekend intellectualizing and trying to analyze our dynamic and unresolvable tensions with my friends. Worrying where this is going. Why we can’t seem to give each other what we need. What gets lost in the communication when we’re apart. And why I’m overcompensating for your needs, questioning myself so much and putting up with shit I normally would not. I’m making up excuses and doing the very things that friends in “unhealthy relationships” do, the things I judge and abhor. How did this happen? It’s so not like me….the strong, independent, social worky feminist that I am.
The point of this note, is not to try and understand myself or us and where we’re falling short. I’m tired of it. I’ll save it for therapy. It’s about trying to understand how I feel about you in my body and my heart. Because obviously that’s what keeps me coming back to you.
When I’m with you I feel alive. I feel open hearted. I feel exposed. Yet I feel safe in that vulnerability. I feel like I’m connecting to something deep inside of me that’s been dormant, possibly repressed or just hasn’t quite been awakened yet. I feel like I want to surrender. Like I’m surrendering to something larger and bigger than myself. I feel like I want to trust with all my heart.
Every time we dialogue more, and you try and understand me more I feel closer and connected and happy. Every time I speak from my heart around you I feel closer, connected and happy.
A simple kiss and I’m aroused. I smell your shirt and involuntary tears fall, I gasp for air and need to sit down. Being around you I get dizzy. My orgasms feel like near death experiences and I want to pass out. In sex I finally understand where pleasure and pain become intertwined and to think that this is only the beginning…the things I want to explore with you intimately, oh my. I think about you inside of me a lot. I get lost in your eyes. I think you’re so beautiful. I want to lie in the comfort of your body for so long. There’s this loving sweetness to you that I love, that I think is very private and I love that I get to see it.
I feel like there is love in my heart for you already.
Week to week it’s not clear what we are or where this is going, and there’s so much push and pull, but I’m tired of fighting it. I just know that I need you right now because it feels really good when I’m with you. And I never allow myself to feel this good.
Thirty is my year of reckless abandon. Of allowing my heart to make more decisions than my mind. Of identifying what feels good and going with it. Dropping thousands of dollars on spiritual growth when I don’t know where next month’s rent is coming from is way out of character for me. So is surrendering to intimacy and love. Here’s to savouring these moments.
I’ll see you tonight and I’m looking really forward to it.