On sleeping with a married man. Part I.

I’m not sure it’s true.

Someone he knew mentioned a wife to my friend the night I met him. But the way he was on the hunt that night and the way he acts I mean…I just can’t believe he’s married. Divorced, separated, a girlfriend perhaps…but there’s no way he’s in a committed relationship with a wife right now in the City. There’s no pattern to his calls or texts. While we have spent the night at my apartment only, he’s invited me to his place before. But what do I know?  I must be in denial.

There are red flags though. He’s not transparent. He’s a charming, sweet-talker. He doesn’t always mean what he says and says what he means. It feels like he sets up this facade of a relationship without any actual intention of following through. What do I mean? He uses the words “we” and talks about the future, but I think it’s all just words. To pursue his own agenda. To keep the girl around without getting serious, without accountability or responsibility.

I’m in way over my head.

I met him in August. I knew he was just looking for a good time. We went out a few times. We didn’t talk much about anything. He mentioned that he spends his winters in Florida (!) So I slept with him and had no intention of sleeping with him again, but he kept on persisting and I couldn’t resist him. I’m so attracted to him. He’s mysterious. It’s exciting. He’s 39 years old. He’s so out of my comfort zone. Yet I’m still interested. We have a genuine chemistry and at times a sweet connection. We can’t keep our hands off each other. Our interaction is affectionate. There is a mutual humour. I want to believe so badly that there is something genuine between us and that he is good. Why do I care so much?

Our sex, on the other hand, is not intimate. It’s like two people with intimacy issues having sex. Neither can maintain eye contact for too long. We need alcohol. And, did I mention that he doesn’t particularly kiss?? Definitely something up with that. I’ll kiss him and he’ll kiss back, a little but he won’t instigate kissing. There was a time when our foreplay was hot. So hot. He did what I asked. He knew what to do, how to do it. He pulled my hair, held my neck, held me down. That was hot.

That didn’t happen the second time we slept together. He’s not a particular amazing lover but there’s still something hot in our dynamic that I’m not done exploring. I need to see him again.

He just went away on business for a few weeks. We haven’t seen each other in a month. I didn’t know if he would be in touch when he returned, but he was… We exchanged a few texts on the weekend.

I know though that the last time I saw him I had so much anxiety around the potential dishonesty, the not understanding what this was. He had changed the game on me the last time we hung out. I tried to meet him late at night (keeping him around for a booty call) but he invited me out for dinner, and then he wanted to sleep over…I didn’t let him. I was trying to keep it super casual to protect myself… and his actions that night confused me a little. All this to say we needed an honest conversation…

But what do I need right now and what do I want from him? I’m not looking for something serious…but something honest and genuine for sure. I know that I need to have a talk with him the next time I see him. I know that I need to just speak from a place of honesty and vulnerability and see if he at all is willing to meet me in the middle… Do I want to know if he’s married? I’m not sure. But I do want to know what his intentions with me are… and I want to let him know where I’m coming from…this year has been all about practising being vulnerable and authentic so my anxiety around this is coming from the fact that I haven’t been honest with him.  I have to bite the bullet, text him instead of waiting for him to text me, make a date to have an actual conversation. I feel so paralyzed but I need to do it.

After my stream of consciousness above, this is what I want to say:

W: This has gone on longer than I expected. Can we just be friends for a second and have an honest conversation? I just want to let you know where I’m coming from. I’ve been hesitant to get involved with you from the beginning because I believe that ultimately we’re looking for different things. I’m not actually looking for a short-term, “good time”. I’m looking for something more real, genuine, consistent that has a possibility of going somewhere. So, if at times I’m hesitant to be involved with you, that’s why. And that’s why I’ve tried to keep it really casual between us because I don’t particularly want to invest time and emotion into something that doesn’t meet my needs. But the thing is I’m still around, and I think it’s because I like you a little. So, it would be really nice if you could let me know what you’re looking for…what do you want from me? This would make me feel a lot more comfortable. 

Is that fair?

I wish this was an advice column and I would get responses from readers… As for the married part, I’m not even going there right now. I’m trying hard not to judge myself for this, so please don’t judge me. I’ll explore it further another time.

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2 thoughts on “On sleeping with a married man. Part I.

  1. Pingback: On giving yourself permission…to be bad. | anotherthirtysomethingblogger

  2. Pingback: On Daddy Issues. | anotherthirtysomethingblogger

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