On Shame.

I feel sad, disappointed and a bit shamed.

I slept with the “married guy” last night.

After coming clean about why sometimes I resist him. Told him I was looking for something more real. He’s not. I said that I needed to keep it really casual between us because I didn’t want to be emotionally invested. I told him I think I am still around because I like him. I asked him to be my friend and to be real with me. I spoke from a place of honesty and vulnerability.

He didn’t say too much. Just acknowledged what I was feeling. Also said that I was so on the defensive and that it hindered me from having something real. That sometimes these things happen naturally. He said that I seemed confused. That I was hot and cold at times. That I was fighting him and he wondered why.

He’s so sweet and charming leading up to sex. Sex is hot and I need it. During sex he doesn’t kiss me.  Then he comes. And says “well, that was satisfying.” Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom to clean up. Comes back to the bedroom and I am up and reaching for my sweatshirt. He puts his clothes on.

He says “you know what else I like? I like that you kick me out.”

I said “I’m not kicking you out.”

He said “Well, I like that you let me leave.”

To which I wanted to scream at him Fuck you. But I didn’t.

I have never seen a man put on his clothes so fast. I have never had sex with someone who tries so hard to put a wall up between you and them.

Today I feel a huge amount of shame as I consider what I know about men who don’t kiss. They save kissing for when they’re in intimate relationships. Or they have a wife or girlfriend and only kiss them.  I feel shame as I google “Men who don’t kiss” on the internet. Tons of forums come up with “he’s just using you for sex.” “DTMFA”. I know that’s what Dan Savage would say. What am I even getting out of it besides the sex that I needed last night? Yes our chemistry is undeniable.  Yet this is our third time sleeping together and he doesn’t kiss me, go down on me or try and make me cum. Dump the mother fucker already. He’s totally selfish. It’s about him, his own agenda, all on his terms.  I knew this though when I met him.

Today I feel hugely disappointed that I even could trust him to be somewhat affectionate given that I’d exposed myself to him earlier and made myself vulnerable. Speaking from a place of honesty is good and it felt empowering. But some people are not worth the honesty.

But then what did I expect from him? Why did I expect more given that he clearly said that he wasn’t looking for anything. And he hugged me goodbye, said “thank you”, “it was fun as always”. Which was also cold. But to be honest, that was exactly what I said to him the last time I saw him. Maybe he is trying to keep it casual because I said that I’m trying to keep it casual. Maybe he’s dropped the act finally. He’s just being real.

So why am I so disappointed? I’m not asking more from him. I also don’t want him to pretend. I’m not trying to change him. I’m not trying to make him my boyfriend. I’ve known what’s up. So why do I feel so much shame, disappointment and sadness today?

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3 thoughts on “On Shame.

  1. Pingback: On Casual Sex. | anotherthirtysomethingblogger

  2. Pingback: On giving yourself permission…to be bad. | anotherthirtysomethingblogger

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