It’s been over a week since I had that God-awful experience with “married guy” and my reflections have been plenty.
But today’s reflective question which keeps spiraling around my thoughts is, since when did casual sex = treating people shit???
The second time I hung out with “married guy” after meeting him at this club this summer we were having one of those really great nights, sitting on a patio at a bar shooting the shit, flirting. We were shamelessly unable to keep our hands off one another. Our guards were completely down, which in retrospect was probably the only time our guards have ever been down around each other in this three month saga.
We went back to my place, fooled around and then suddenly I got the spins. It was really embarrassing on many levels. First of all, I couldn’t remember the last time that I had had the spins. I’m Thirty-fucking-one for fuck’s sake. Secondly I had boasted being able to handle my liquor. And finally, who wants to get alcohol poisoning on a second date??? But I digress.
I told him “I have the spins” and went to the bathroom, and when I came out the guy had his clothes on so fast and was literally running out the door. No hug, no “are you going to be okay”? I was naked, vulnerable and sick and this guy was running out of my apartment. No text the next day saying “hope you felt better” or “hope it wasn’t a bad day at work” or whatever other polite decent thing any other decent human being would have done.
His true colours totally unveiled themselves that evening. I remember being so angry and disappointed in the situation. Something in me had hoped that in spite of my gut instinct, which screamed this guy is a shady shady ass-wipe, there was a “good” guy in him somewhere.
I called my friend ranting irately the next day. And she kept saying things like: “but you wanted something casual from him”; “you knew he was shady”; “you’re acting like he’s your boyfriend”; “if it was casual you wouldn’t care.”
Same with the other night. She had a hard time understanding why I was so disappointed in his words and actions when it was just casual sex.
Yes I am having casual sex with him, but it doesn’t give either of us the right to treat each other like shit.
We don’t treat strangers who come to our house for the first time like shit do we? We don’t treat the server who brings us our food like shit. We don’t treat friends of friends like shit when we first meet them. We don’t make new acquaintances and then treat them like shit. We don’t treat coworkers like shit. So why is it okay to throw all common decency out the window when we’re fucking, hooking up, having one night stands and casually sleeping with people? What is it about the act of casual sex that makes us lose our manners, act overwhelmingly selfish, cold and mean?
I’m kind of baffled and enraged by this.
And I’m totally guilty of it.